Circles
So we live in a time where we strive for vulnerability;
but have no idea how to embrace it.
So much that we are scared to face it for what it is truly worth;
thus leading us right where we don’t want to be.
Author: Kelly Brown
Here We Go.
I’m here, waiting to succeed; but have no idea how to do this.
It’s like finally getting the joke but not wanting to laugh.
Realizing that I am not as ready as I thought but want it so bad.
Humbling myself while trying to be vocal; tripping along the way.
The tears that I shed these days are for my lost years,
the lost people and the things that I only meant the best intentions for.
While still trying to understand the that “dreams do come true”.
But as I speak on this for others, for myself, it seems lost.
the codependency of the past.
something that literally does not exist.
The same people,
the same temperature,
the same mentality.
All no longer exist.
And yet here I am.
Letting the aftermath of the past effect every fucking pat of my being today.
The good.
The bad.
The motherfuckin’ ugly.
Each day I am thankful for the restart of life
but disappointed by the results.
Is it my data or everyone else’s that I struggle with?
Learning that my emotions are more than the obvious.
I have to limit my engagement with people.
And, it’s hard.
I want to express all who I am but yet stuck in the realization that I
have to be selective with my fellow being.
Stuck in a world were we have lost the appreciation for gritty vulnerability.
When we speak on vulnerability, we hope for the positive but expect the negative.
But like anything else, the positive requires the negative to flow.
Otherwise we will never understand the meaning of balance.
Yet, I am at a point where i want the positive to out weigh the negative.
For once, visible enough for me to recognize, again.
Formula should be as simple as :
Feelings + logic = alignment.
Then trust the outcome.
Learn to trust your soul and the greater good.
That is who we are as humans.
Love for our imperfections.
Understanding that…
Grasp Of Love
I’ve always been fighting and doubting you, calling yourself love. When I finally think you are out of my life, you try again. You tease me with your sweet, irresistible scent. Your spell captures me and makes me fall to my knees with my heart fully exposed as the blood drips to the floor.
At first, I look up at you, in my standard routine of the average none believer. I ask questions about why you are here? And what are your true intentions? However, with every question, your response is solid and real. You prove to me that my doubts are merely past expressions of love misguided; Misunderstood.
You came to me in a way I would have never expected. Beautiful eyes buried with the world and a soul filled with the past of many. Positioning your grasp firmly around my heart, I continue to see as one can’t who can’t help who they are and yet, you still have me locked. When I see you lying next to me with your long mane tickles my arm and your breathing harmonizing with mine, I can’t help think that this is what all my past experiences have prepared me for.
This is a grasp of true love. All opposites combine to formulate this perfect mixture of pain, love and humanity. I stopped trying to fight you. The tension in my body eases, and my body becomes limp as I let your grasp melt into this organ that holds all of who I am. The pounding of my heart becomes steady as you flow into my blood, my bones and my being.
As we come to the same level, I embrace your eyes with mine; changing from one colour to the next and like me, you deny and try not to believe the reality of everything we thought was real. Your eyes filled with tears as my gaze becomes what you see. I smile, and the warmth of your tears drips on my thumb as I wipe them away. You captured my heart; I captured your soul, and together we have completed the formula of one. The true one, the real one, the one we call love.
Cracks
Laying in bed remembering how she tasted. The smell of her skin after a long day, it was a little salty but sweet.
She travelled a lot for work so I only got to see her couple times a month. But every time we kissed, I felt how much she missed me. I knew she adored me, and I loved her for that. Every time my lips touched hers, it was a reminder of how lucky I was to have her.
Caressing the side of my breast, I remembering how she felt and how she would slightly tickle me and yet turn me on. When she would kiss the side of my neck, it was as if she knew my secrets.
I Should have tried harder to make her know how much I cared about her. She was sweet, caring, unapologetic of who she was, and I didn’t appreciate it enough.
I closed my eyes and I just remember those mornings where she would wake me up between my legs, as she held onto them while gently sucking on my clit. The way she embraced me when I looked down at her, I knew that she really loved the way I tasted.
She and I, when we were having sex it felt like we were in a different world; lasting for hours. It felt as though our bodies merged into one and we could feel each other’s energy perfectly exchanging our flows. Our sweat would drip onto each other and neither of us cared, in fact, it made us more turned on, more in sync.
I wished I had let her in more, and to see all of me, but being hurt so many times, we let the good ones slip through the cracks of our painful past.
I don’t know why I feared her love, but I know that I missed it. I know that without her around, my days weren’t the same. She used to make me laugh all the time—her smile made my day.
I miss touching her hair, caressing her body. The lines on her skin showing the beauty of her age. She was older than me, and I liked that about her. She never made me feel that I was young. We were in sync, but I held back and I didn’t show her all of who I was, even when she did the opposite. I used to question why she was comfortable being so open about herself, especially on days when she wasn’t perfect. But now, I missed that quality about her. It’s part of what made her sexy.
God, she turned me on — I can feel how wet I am. My body misses her touch. I slide my finger inside me, remembering how she would feel. She was so free with her sexuality, and I’d never experienced that before. It made me safe but also it intimated me at the same time; perhaps I should have told her that.
Truthfully, there were a lot of things I should have told her, and though she was sweet with understanding, I could tell it bothered her. Even though I loved how open she was with me, my experiences just wouldn’t allow me to do the same for her.
As I’m touching myself, tears fall onto the bed after passing my cheeks. I was so stupid to have let her go so easily, but it was now too late. I shut her out so much that she just quietly went away, leaving me alone with all my reasons and justifications of why I couldn’t just let myself go. I was content with most things in my life, but I was alone, again.
As I cum hard, I let my juices run down onto the bed. She would always taste me again by sucking on the finger that was inside me; I also did the same with mine.
I turn on my side and cuddle my pillow, imagining it’s her skin next to mine. I hold it close to me with the last few tears escaping onto the pillow.
“I miss you.”
So This Girl
She had always been one of those women; content and reserved with her life. Today, however, she thinks to herself:
“What if I allowed myself to explore things I missed out on?”
With eyes closed and mind drifting back into a time where she felt safe, she remembers Chase.
Sliding down into the chair, the tension from her back releases, going down between her thighs. She sighs and drifts back into place after taking off her shorts.
Thinking back to that first kiss with Chase, having those soft lips, she lets out a deep, quiet moan as her hands head towards her waist.
Biting her bottom lip, the legs spread open as they dangle from the chair; she continues to remember a summer afternoon in a private field, naked with Chase. She remembers how vulnerable and yet comfortable her body felt with Chase.
What is Chase doing now, she thought. Last I heard, she got married.
Still, she wondered, “Was she turned on like me?” as she caresses her nipple in response to Chase.
She wishes they never had gotten into that fight in high school on the last day. Normally a fight like that would end with more understanding, but Chase no longer came around after that day.
She now feels how wet is she.
With her fingers gliding across the clit, she’s tempted to call Chase and see if she really was thinking about her; more so, if Chase was touching herself in the same way.
She holds her finger over her clit for a few seconds and decides she’s going to make that call and stretches to reach the phone while not losing her spot.
The phone rings three times, then she hears “Hello?” Chase knew it was her.
With silence on the phone, Chase whispers, “Are you ready?”
She nods in silence while biting her lip; she whispers a simple yes as Chase quietly describes what she remembers of her body.
With Chase as the narrator, she guides her to bed and tells her to to get naked.
Now, eagerly fingering herself and moaning heavily for this overdue moment with Chase.
As she is nearing climax, Chase whispers “I will never forget the way you taste, my love” and then hangs up the phone.
She cums hard and all over her chair. Tears of happiness and sadness fall onto her cheek.
She puts on her shorts, cleans her chair and exhales…
Perhaps in another lifetime.
Up In Smoke
Lighter flicks and I see the smoke rise.
Blinding my eyes of what’s in front of me.
Breathe in and exhale.
Feeling life escape its moment of the once known.
Mm, that scent; the familiarity of right gone wrong.
Tilt my head back and embrace the moment.
Forcing myself to regain control;
Something that I had a firm hold on.
That smoke.
Clouding my thoughts,
Clouding my heart.
Perhaps tonight begs for a new start?
Lift my hand in hopes for another release.
Fingers close to my mouth;
That taste, as pure as it can get.
I love it even in its raw form.
Hand down, eyes closed… and I wait.
It comes to my head and allows me to fall
In front of an open crowd;
Vulnerable in its quiet form.
The aftermath of its smell lingers…
On my body, my lips….my soul
With a mixture of poison with a hint of regret,
My hopes fall to the side of the smoke.
Covered in all of its dark forms.
The ashtray filled with yesterday’s past,
While the smoke lingers, guiding my path.
Busy
Keeping myself extra busy these days…
distracted by the patterns of life to keep thoughts from creeping in
no choice was giving so here I stand…or sit
working the brain hard
so now the heart only needs to do the required task
recharging its other abilities and staying on standby
by the time I reach home, sleep is due
subconscious separation of thoughts
which, for the most part, I gladly and sadly forget when I rise
no need for late night walks
because my mental ambition has replaced its task
keeping myself extra busy these days
real busy
NMFT 